Concert Review: Prince in Chicago!

June 30, 2013 § 2 Comments

(Full disclosure: I wasn’t actually there at The Aforementioned Concert. I had to contribute to The Greater Good fulfilling my civic contract  tonight by bartending.)

But aren’t you just so happy to live in a world in which this concert happened? It seems we must obviously live in Utopia to know that this is even within the realm of possibilities.

Imagine waking up one morning and living a totally mundane, kinda overcast day meandering Wicker Park only to find out sometime around dusk that you’re going to see fucking Prince play in an intimate setting that very same night.That’s like the ultimate potential of Life On Earth fulfilled – like I kinda can’t even believe that I know some people that that happened to. That guy has his bodyguards scope out some empty-looking cafe with flaky hummus plates in downtown Minneapolis on some weekday afternoon to make sure the coast is clear for him to pull down his string bikini and carefully take a shit with his cape on in a public men’s room – and – He is the only human in the entire deep toppling history of Life On Earth that it’s COOL for him to play City Fucking Winery. In fact, that’s actually IMPOSSIBLE to do – be a musician and play a place that some committee actually all agreed to purposefully christen “City Fucking Winery” – and it’s cool to  play there?! Only Prince.

I say the concert was a better concert than all of the other concerts that I hear about and don’t go to!



and he’s done it and some people we all know were there. It’s kinda amazing. I’m not even jealous. It’s like too much for



I Want You to Understand How I Feel

April 2, 2013 § Leave a comment

Rilke didn’t have the Internet like I do
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Gobble Gobble

November 20, 2012 § 2 Comments



A Startling Glimpse Within The Big Shared Skull

October 10, 2011 § 5 Comments

Wow. There’s this thing on the back-side of a blog where all the stitching is. You can see every term that someone has ever googled to end up on your blog. Whoa.

(I’ll skip the hundred minor variations of “I will never have sex again.”)



i imagine sex

she gives me boners 6th grade

why cy twombly is an idiot

why does my child draw pictures of pentagram and also have behavior issues she is 8

smurfette and horse

Yin yang tattoos

Provide moving clean water reptiles

Lick smurfette

space monkey fight club

short small hairy dog

whitney houston

boner boy blog

bagel cartoon

smurfette craft

dane cross in teacher pet

good vs. bad

how to first tim make a sex

tree branch chair images

smurfette cardboard cutout

painted and numbered big tim skeleton model cms65

will i ever have sec again

men boob hairy

my futures so bring i got wear shades. but in my chase its my futures so dark i never get laid lol

smurfette boobs

civilly flown flying boats

pretty legs and boobs

1.tender, passionate affection 2. strong personality liking 3. person towards whom love is felt

sexi imajine

brown leather jacket and backpack looks stupid

sexual affection movie

“memories aren’t real”

how to spell smurfette in black and white

my favorite guys

baby ducks cartoon style

not me takin my ex dick

driven by ego

what drugs does tim kinsella do

slave harness

fucks sake mam i told u that all fucking along! gawd she hands me the green balance and shes like u musta got someone elses im like mam this is the balance of the green one what its always been

sex did not imagine

smurfette illuminati

smurfette xxx


whipping pyramid slaves

erotic hairy boob pics

man shaking robot hands

oh my god trouble

krishna sucks fucking cock

fucking smurfette

my childhood days went all right just as a simple kid would have. watching cartoons everyday and perhaps enjoying every single day were the best part of being a kid. now as a teenager, i couldn’t imagine how things in life changed. through my experiences in life, i’ve learned how valuable it is.

spencer elden girlfriend

smurfette cakes

more trees less assholes insight

pull the tape worm out of your ass

how i imagine i have sex

A Song for Mila

September 12, 2011 § 8 Comments

I flatter myself a sophisticated enough man to be beyond guilty pleasures. But I’ll admit, it’s a little embarrassing how much I do like that Frank Sinatra song about how he does things his way. (I imagine he always used his shoe as a hammer to hang a picture and insisted his cakes be baked with fresh lard from a baby’s fat thigh.) Or the one about when he was 21 for a little while before he was 31.

And What a Wonderful World with Louie Armstrong’s throat?! Man, I really did swell with emotion like an autumn grape when that song would come on as the station-identification of a local Chicago channel when I was a kid.

Those songs really make you think, you know, about how a man becomes all kinds of things he never imagined he would and like, you know, life and shit. (As an aside – shout out to Think About Life – best band name ever!) Those songs are like that great scene in Husbands when Harry, Gus and Archie talk about the major shift in a man’s life – and it isn’t his wedding day or the day his first child is born or his first parent dies. The big shift is sometime around 35 when a man really accepts that he’ll never grow up to be a professional baseball player.

And, Dear Reader, my simple point is only that I never expected to grow up to be the weirdo uncle, bachelor and deadbeat, cartoons drawn all over my arms and forgetting to not smoke around the kid, etc. It’s a role I’ve fallen into quite easily and enjoy greatly, The Weirdo Uncle. But it just never occurred to me that it might one day be one of my roles.

And when I see that goddamn beautiful little wonder, it’s so weird, makes me feel like Whitney Houston. Most of the time I creep about like Serge Gainsbourg meeting Whitney Houston for the first time. But around that kid, I dunno, I’m like Whitney herself.

And so I just wanna do what little I can to help this children of the future get ahead, whatever small gestures I may muster to offer. And in that spirit, I have written my young niece a song.

The Keyboard Alphabet. (Educators please contact Polyvinyl Records for Fair Use Negotiations, some restrictions may apply.)  QWE’s





Scoop: (I win!) Bad News – Breaking News!

September 10, 2011 § 3 Comments

Oh man I know it seems weird I got the breaking news but I just hope that all the news sources think to check out my blog because so they can dizz-semanite the word but oh man I got bad news. Sucks. (I win! I got the bad news first!)

America States was been attacked by Terror.

Weird, right?

. . . Yeah, sucks. Man, I don’t know how I do feel. Maybe I don’t even wanna have kids anymore or even be good. I dunno even.

And I really hope you don’t feel too bad about it, the attack by Terror I mean – or I also hope you don’t feel too bad if you are a The News and I with my humble blog scooped you. And I hope all your retirement-OK’W-9/11’s are invested by the books because Cairo banks and the future is satisfying, you know but if we cut entitlements like Security – I mean, you know.

So yeah, sorry. Bad news. (But you herd it hear first!) Good Ol’merica was ‘tacked by Terror.

Everywhere! Small places where people talk funny live ‘specially. Sucks.

Man, sucks. (But you did here it hear first!)

Trusted Readers, what’s wrong with my Dating Profile?

September 7, 2011 § 7 Comments





An Administrative Note: Oops, sorry. That was funny for a second with a couple beers in me and then it quickly got a smidge dark this morning. Anyhow, the poll is closed – thanks for the valuable insights AND I gave up on OKCupid after a simply delightful 48-hour marathon of self-loathing there, whew. Yeah, it’s been real. I mean, not real. (Skeleton Breath – call me babe.)

Username: UGHGEEZ


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